To Maria Ozawa, on my 29th Birthday

Dear Ms. Ozawa,

I am a big fan of yours.  I believe I speak on behalf of all socially awkward, romantically inept, all-boys school educated Filipino men when I say that you and your impressive body of cinematic work served as a shining beacon of hope and inspiration to all of us. While I must admit you are not #1 on my all-time favorite JAV actress list (Tina Yuzuki sits on top of the list at #1), you have most definitely left the biggest mark of them all in my life. In fact one of the first songs written by my band ten years ago, entitled “Bukkake” (which modesty aside, I must say is quite a crowd favorite), was inspired by you. Hell, as a stand up comedian, I even have a joke about writing movie reviews for your AV films (not saying it’s a funny one, just saying i actually wrote one).

Maria Ozawa: Inspirational AV Idol

When I heard you were in the Philippines I made numerous attempts to see you, all of which for one reason or another, failed. I finally had the chance at FHM Bro Con’s Afterparty held at Club House Manila in Remington Hotel. My friends and I got ourselves a table and waited hours for you to appear.

What a wholesome-looking group of gentlemen.

We had to endure the sight of several scantily-clad white guys macho dancing/Magic Mike-ing for what seemed like a cock-blocking eternity before you finally graced us with your ethereal presence.

What the fuck, FHM?! This sausage fest just got a lot more sausagey-er!

If you noticed a starstruck hobbit-sized person wearing a grey jacket, enthusiastically taking photos right in front of you while you were addressing the crowd that night, that’s me. Well you probably didn’t. It was dark and I’m very small and hardly visible amongst taller AV fanboys in the crowd. But then again, maybe I’m just a ninja.

The look of Fappiness.

Later on I tried to get your autograph and maybe take a photo with you, but my friend Mikee (he’s such a dick) beat me to the line and got ahead of me. Unfortunately, you stopped taking photo requests afterwards, which dashed my hopes that night.

This is Mikee. He’s a dick.

I turned 29 today, July 25, 2015. I can’t say life has been very kind to me. For almost three long and dreary decades, I sadly haven’t really amounted to anything. Aside from only being slightly taller than Peter Dinklage, I am currently unemployed, got dumped a few months ago, and have recently been diagnosed with this new disease I self-discovered called ARDS (Adult Responsibility Deficiency Syndrome). It has been a hard life indeed.

A hard life indeed.

I’ll pretend to celebrate the 29th year of my miserable existence on August 1, 2015 by throwing a gig/party at Mow’s Bar in Quezon City entitled BUKKAKE X. As the event title and poster design suggest, this was obviously heavily inspired by you. Performing will be my band The Oemons and our hard rocking band friends Hansom, Ephesus, Silence Your Guilt, and Oh, Flamingo; lethally hilarious stand up comedians Nonong Ballinan and Chino Liao of Comedy Manila; and the sorcery of magician Marcelle Fabie!

We actually came up with the event title and concept way before we found out you’d be coming here. it’s destiny, I say!

There’s no Make a Jizz Wish Foundation in the Philippines, so as a man of action I decided to take initiative and wrote this letter. It would be really awesome if this letter reaches you and you decide to show up. As the event details on the event page say, we’ll be giving you free drinks if you do. I promise not to spike your drink. Pinky promise. On a slightly lesser scale of awesome, it would also be cool if you would get in touch with me just to turn me down and say “no”. I’d chalk that up as a moral victory. I love moral victories. They’re like losing, only cushioned and padded with shameless deniability.

Sincerely Hoping You Won’t Call the Cops or Get a Restraining Order,

Trian Lauang

*FHM Bro Con After Party Photos courtesy of the House Manila Facebook Page

*Bukkake X Poster by JR Dalisay

*Mikee with Maria Ozawa photo courtesy of Mikee Suing (dick)

*Otherwise mine

Same Sex Marriage: A Pervert’s Perspective

Whenever I visit websites like Youjizz, Spankwire and Xvideos, I sometimes come across links to gay videos. Am I grossed out by the thumbnails of these links? Hell yeah. Am I clicking on any of those links ever? Hell no.

But I do know that somewhere out there are people who watch them, who appreciate them. It’s what makes them happy, the same way videos of Stoya, Tina Yuzuki, and X-Art make me happy (if you know what i mean). The presence of these videos on the sites I frequent do not bother me, since I am not forced to watch them and I choose not to watch them.

In the same way, the recent recognition of the legality of same sex marriages in the US should not bother straight people that much, really. It’s not as if gay men are going around kidnapping us straight guys, forcing us to marry them, and shoving their dicks down our throats in lieu of kissing the bride.

We are not being forced to marry. We are not being harmed. Hell, we are not even forced to watch. Until I hear a sound argument to deprive LGBTs the right to marry that does not involve the quoting of passages from the Bible, the Koran, and other antiquated fictional pieces of literature, then to each his own.

Or more appropriately given the analogy I used, “to jizz his own”.

‪

For Those About To Rock (the Bar Exams) We Salute You

Winter is Coming…for Law Students who took the 2014 Bar Exams, at least. Regardless of which deity they believe in or which religion they belong to, tomorrow is without a doubt, judgment day.
The day I passed the Bar Exam around a year ago, the first person who called me up was my friend and Fraternity brother Carl De Guzman​.

Carl: bro! congrats!
Trian: thanks bro! ikaw naman next year!
Carl: bro nung pumasa ka nainspire ako. kasi kung kayang pumasa ni Trian,kaya rin namin. tatanungin ko sana paano mo nagawa, kaya lang last time na ginaya ko yung study habits mo, nayari ako.
Trian: Moral Victory is like Adamantium: pag kay Wolverine gumagana, pero pag sa ibang tao…PATAY. mag-aral ka gago.

Looking forward to making the same call to you tommorow, Carl Drogo! And to all other Fraternity brothers and friends who took the Bar!

#MoralVictory #YOLaw #WhyDoIHaveToBeCarl

 

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE CARL?!

 

Trian Lauang 1, South China Sea 0

I had a wrestling match with the South China Sea yesterday in Pangasinan at yesterday’s PPV “The Duel in Dagupan” in a “Winner Decides Whether This Body of Water Should be Called South China Sea or West Philippine Sea” Match. I eventually found myself locked into its deadly Lunod Lock finishing move and would have lost if not for the last minute run-in save by Dan “Dale-vid Hasselhoff” Roleda , Mr Non-performing Asset Janus OV, the Ever Manly Randy Echaus, and The Wiedmertaker (aka the Four Seahorsemen of the Apocalypse) who distracted South China Sea, hit it with a steel chair in the face, and dragged me to shore for the 3-count.

 

 

I swallowed so much saltwater, I ended up looking like I was pregnant with a 5 year old boy inside me.

So I hereby declare by the Rules of Trial by Combat that by virtue of my victory, South China Sea henceforth shall now and forever be known as the West Philippine Sea. You’re Welcome, Philippines.

You’re welcome Philippines. I did it for all Filipinos of every color …except for the Yellow ones.

YOLaw: the Road to Moral Victory

It’s over.

Son of a bitch. No fucking way, right? I was already preparing for a YOLaw sequel, or a trilogy, or maybe even a best of seven series. Then the results came out, dashing my hopes of prolonging and furthering the YOLaw brand.

For almost a year I lived like Batman waging a long and lonely one man war. Whereas his was against Crime and Injustice, mine was against the Bar and Studying. I remember all those times I spent in this crusade of mine all by myself in the darkest corner of Starbucks, grimly pondering which evil subject I would have to face next while cautiously sipping my steaming venti Coffee Americano and taking a bite into my freshly warmed Multi Honey Grain Bagel.

The odds were really bad. Here I was, arguably the worst student in Ateneo Law School history facing off against the biggest threat any law student can ever face: the Bar Exam. Batman had a “no guns” rule, I had a “no studying” rule for my entire stay in law school, but just like Batman I had to make an exception this time around to defeat the ultimate foe.

It was a tale for the ages. The day when the Ultimate Evil stared man in the eye, and man stared right back, gave it a wink, asked it out for dinner, went on a date, took it home, fucked it in the ass without lubricant, and threw it out of his house right after without even giving it cab fare.

In the end, I won. but not before it made realize the first truth of Batman Trian:

You can stop reading now, unless you want to get to the cheesy part where I start thanking people.

First of all I’d like to thank my Family. My parents for just about everything, literally everything, from the point of conception until now. My brother Joash who I know in 4 years will trump what I just did, and my sister Naina for waking me up every morning and pretending be a Starbucks barista at home when I was too lazy to go to Starbucks. I dedicate this victory to the members of my family who are not with us anymore: my Tito Dong who as early as high school told me to go to law school, my Lola Belen who gave me her unwavering love and support all throughout, and my cousin Rudge who made me realize more how short life really is and to make the most out of what we have in the here and the now. I would also like to thank the rest of my extended family: the Lauangs, the Cruzes, the Luceros, the Ortizes, and the Vacalareses, . Bear in mind however that if any of you has a congratulatory tarp with my name and picture printed and hung somewhere, I will promptly disown you.

The Fraternal Order of Utopia, especially my runners Hegel Balderrama, Karl Libongco, and he-who-shall-not-be-named-for-professional-reasons. Utopia Batch ’08 and Utopia Batch Ironmen especially Mike Gomez and Paolo Santos for always checking up on me. Utopia Batch ’08 Stragglers: Randy Echaus, Genesis Capocyan, King Echiverri, and Casey Francisco for taking this long cut detour with me. Rest assured the Manly Randy and I are behind you all the way and are eagerly waiting to celebrate with you as you kick the Bar’s ass next year.  Utopia Batch ’09 for taking the aforementioned stragglers in.

The NASTY Party, who if we’re going to continue with the Batman analogy, would have to be my real-life version of the Justice League. Arc Tolentino (Korean Superman), Patrick Wiedmer (Martian Manhunter, since he’s almost exactly like Superman but with a different skin color), Carlo Javier (Green Lantern, since you need good lighting if you want to be a successful voyeur or peeping tom), Alex Perez (the Flash, time goes so fast for him it’s already bedtime by mid-day), and Em Cruz (Alfred). and also our known associate Armand Eleazar (AquArmand).

The Oemons: Chris, Akeem, and Ino, for letting me pull a Dwyane Wade sitting out a good number of months for the bar while the rest of them held the fort, only for me to swoop right back in months later to grab all the credit. What a dick. I might be in the worst band in the world, but that doesn’t mean by any stretch that my band mates are equally just as awful. The JG11 Boys for umm… I’ll come up with something. Just kidding. For all the get-together invites that I rejected, those were much appreciated. To James Gatlabayan whom I am also thanking in advance for being my first client in his future Kiddie Porn case.

Block A 2012, Forte, Block B Lit/History Block, Kaingin, Comedy Cartel, Comedy Manila, the Baristas and Guards at Starbucks Sta. Lucia (who let me set up my very own Batcave in their store) and all my other friends out there who rooted for me, especially Red Ollero, ST Estrella, Kalyn Lopena, Kipp Martinez, and Bianca Anonas the Chairman of the Trian Lauang Fans Club U.S.A. Chapter. Also as a personal request, friends please do not start calling me “attorney” just because I passed, as I pretty much still prefer being called by the name Trian. Besides, how would you guys like it I stopped calling you by your real names or nicknames and started referring to you by your job or profession, thereby robbing you of your individuality? Not cool. Right, Out of School Youth?

To my biggest fan ever, Janelle Cua. This one’s for you… but not Scarborough Shoal and the Spratlys. That’s Philippine National Territory. Now that it’s finally over you can have all my time now, as long as you compensate me at a reasonable rate for legal professionals. I love you!

Finally, to all the crammers, and the bums, and those who’ve been counted out. May you be Morally Victorious as I have been!

And for the last time, #YOLaw!

Victoria Moral
Ad Majorem Trian Gloriam

Trian Lauang Sex Video?

It was midnight, couldn’t sleep, and had nothing to do so I Yahoo searched my name. Yeah, I do that because I’m an egotistical asshole who Yahoo searches his name from time to time (only after I’ve Google searched of course). Guess what I saw on the search results?

 

the best possible combination of words ever: my name + woman’s name + naked

 

Yup. You’re seeing that right: the words “Trian Lauang”, “Sunshine Cruz”, and “Naked” all in the same sentence. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think this would happen someday. I remember back in high school when I used to fap to her,  but look at me (us!) now! Thank you Yahoo, you make (wet) dreams come true.

I guess now I have to cross “sex video with a celebrity” off my bucket list.

Bunnyman

For those of you still hanging around and checking out this blog every now and then, sorry for the lack of updates. I’ve been really busy idling around at home. Oh, and as I’ve mentioned in one of my previous posts, I’ve been working on a webcomic: Bunnyman! Here’s the Pilot Issue and the 1st Story Arc, all in one post!

Enter the Rabbit

Bunnyman Begins

  

If you like what you just read, please do check out the webcomic at Comicfury.com or the Bunnyman page on Facebook! Like the page if you’re not entirely offended by what you see, and share if you’re feeling generous :))

NBI Clearance

9 Hours.

9 hours. That’s time I could have spent watching The Wolf of Wall Street three times or watching eighteen episodes of Adventure Time.

9 hours. 9 long and agonizing hours queuing just to get a stupid orange piece of paper that says I’m a good person. Given all the hateful and violent thoughts I harbored for the past 9 hours, I’m not even sure if I really am one any more.

Due to my aversion to long lines and waiting in general, I filled out an online registration application form a few days before in the hopes of making the process easier and less time consuming. Turns out my laziness paid off this big time (well, relatively): online registrants were given preferential treatment and were processed at a much faster pace and rate compared to the poor walk-in applicants. To illustrate: I fell in line at around 6 A.M. and received my clearance at around 3 P.M. Several guys who were behind me lined up at the overpass in front of the mall at 12 A.M. but due to their failure to register online, finished only around the same time I did, most of them even later. The reason for this lamentable pace? Their personal information on their application forms had to be encoded on the NBI Center’s computer one by one, which as we all know takes quite some time especially due to the sheer number of walk-in applicants.I still shudder to think of how crushed those poor saps felt when they finally realized that the sacrifice they did queuing up all night was all in vain as they saw hordes of latecomers (relatively, as 6 A.M. can rarely be described as late) like me overtake them.

Don’t get me wrong. I usually love getting ahead and pulling a fast one on everyone else, but this was just wrong. Those other guys never stood a chance. No one knew about the huge disparity in processing time between online applicants and walk-in applicants. To make things worse, there were no signs at the overpass (where people line up everyday for NBI Clearance) or even outside the NBI Clearance center informing applicants to register online. I’m just lucky I was somehow saved by my laziness and the fact that I go online a lot. But what about the people who don’t have the same means (and obviously in my case, idle time) available to them, the ones who don’t even have computers or internet connection? What about the people who get paid on a daily basis who need to get their clearance, otherwise they won’t be able to go to work and feed their families for the day? Will you feed them, NBI?

Though I have to admit, when I finally received my clearance this song suddenly played in my head:

I’m sure the NBI is already aware of these occurrences, which baffles me why this particular NBI Center (and assuming this is also what happens everywhere else) and the NBI in general haven’t taken steps to alleviate this problem by either 1) telling everyone to register online, period; 2) implementing a scheduling system akin to the one being utilized by the DFA; and most feasibly 3) collecting and encoding walk-in applicants’ personal information earlier than the 10 A.M. opening hours of the mall. Since people were already lined up inside the mall parking area by 9 A.M., they should have taken the walk-in applicants’ forms and encoded them even before the mall’s operating hours. If that’s not really possible due to mall regulations, let people submit their application forms the day before so it can be encoded earlier, so that on the day the applicant actually falls in line all he has to do is to verify the encoded information. I know somehow this increases their employees’ workload and work hours but it’s just a little sacrifice on their part, especially compared to what applicants have to endure thanks to this current fuck up of theirs thanks to their ill-timed and ill-advised system change. It’s really quite ironic that for an investigating bureau, they don’t really seem to have that much foresight. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on the employees who I know are doing their best with whatever limited resources or system they have at hand. But as for the NBI’s Top Brass, the ones who call the shots, especially the ones who called this one? Screw you guys. You guys should be brought in front of angry, sleepless, and starving applicants and promptly lynched.

In other words, in the vernacular: “Putangina, kayo na nga may atraso sa amin. Step up naman kayo dyan.”

People Who Should be Deprived of their Internet Connection and Virtually Punched in the Face

Dahil Buhay ng Tambay ako ngayon, hindi maiiwasan na madalas akong online. Masaya din naman ang laging online. Marami akong natututunan (at nauubos na oras) sa pag-click ng mga random na article sa Wikipedia o video sa Youjizz Youtube. Nalalaman ko kung sino sa mga kaibigan at kamag-anak ko ang ikakasal na, ayaw na ayaw sa trabaho nila, at nag-cliclick sa mga questionableng link na upskirt o nipslip daw ng mga artista, kaya na-spam ang account. At higit sa lahat, bikini pics. ’nuff said.

Subalit kung maraming mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa akin sa araw araw na pagliliwaliw sa cyberspace, marami din namang nakaka-init ng ulo. Sabagay, kung tutuusin naiintindihan ko kung bakit: hindi ako masyado mahilig makisalamuha sa mga tao. Pag online ka, sa ayaw mo o sa hindi nakikisalamuha ka sa milyon-milyong tao, raised to the nth power. Ang masama nito, yung katangahan, kabobohan, at pagiging nakakainis ng mga tao, parang raised to the nth power din. Para talaga sa akin may mga tao talagang walang karapatan magkaroon ng Internet connection. Pinopollute lang nila ang Internet sa mga pinopost o inuupload nila.

Seryoso, kung may “Like” button sa Facebook, dapat may umimbento din ng “Anong Paki Ko Button”.  O siguro dapat may magdevelop ng teknolohiya para pwede ka na manuntok via the Internet. Sure ako, “hit” yun (see what I did there?). Kung may makaimbento man niyang virtual suntok na yan, eto ang ilan sa mga taong kating kati ako bigyan:

1. Mga Taong Sobrang Dami ng Hashtag – Eto yung isa sa mga pinakamadadalas kong nakikita. Ok naman yung idea ng hashtag, kung tutuusin astig nga e: gumamit ng adjectives para makatipid sa letra. Pero yung iba hindi yata lubos na naiintindihan ang tamang paggamit nito at masyadong abusado maka-hashtag. Yung mga tipong mas marami o mahaba pa yung hashtag sa post o sa status message, na mapapaisip ka na sana sumulat na lang siya ng essay o ng short story. Yung tipong mapapaisip ka na yung experience nya na yan siguro ang pinakamasaya at pinakamahiwaga na nangyari sa isang tao sa buong kasaysayan ng mundo, kaya naman kulang ang 2 o 3 hashtag para ma-describe ito. Awesome!

2. Mga Taong Check-in ng Check-in sa Foursquare – Ayos lang naman talaga mag-check in sa Foursquare at ipaalam kung nasaan ka. Pero nakakainis talaga yung parang bang every 5 minutes nagchecheck-in, tapos yung mga pinupuntahan lang naman sobrang uneventful na lugar gaya ng bahay, paaralan, bahay ng kaibigan, tapos bahay uli. Baka gusto rin nila ishare kung nasaan sila specifically sa loob ng bahay?  Nasa sala ka ba at kumakambyo? Nasa banyo ka ba jumejebs at naubusan ng tissue? Gustong gusto ko kasi malaman!

3. Mga Taong Quote ng Quote ng Bible sa mga Debate –  Madalas ko makita ang mga ito to sa mga comments section ng mga article tungkol sa science, history, o religion na bumabatikos o salungat sa kanilang pananampalataya. Pinagtatanggol nila ang paniniwala o relihiyon nila sa pamamagitan ng pag-kontra sa nasabing article, pagtira sa author na nagpost, at sa pakikipagdebate sa ibang mga commenters. Ganito kadalasan yung nangyayari: yung kalaban nya magbibigay ng logical, scientific, o historical na argumento, punto, o ebidensiya, tapos sasagutin naman nya ito hindi sa pagbibigay ng matinong sagot, pero sa pagcicite ng Bible verse. Ang labo di ba? Isipin mo paano kung kinakausap mo ako tungkol sa Theory of Evolution o Big Bang Theory, tapos bigla kitang sasagutin ng “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility” o “Yes Father, I Shall Become a Bat” o “Hulk Smash”? Tapos kapag talong talo na sila sa debate, mauuwi na lang sila sa favorite exit lines nila na “Jesus loves you” at “I’ll pray for you”.

4. Mga Taong Post ng Post ng Pictures pero Pangit Naman – Hindi ko na siguro kailangan ipaliwanag ito. Malamang lahat tayo may kakilala na ganito o di kaya may kakilala na may kakilala na ganito. Ang dalas magpost ng mga letrato, pero di naman kanais nais ang imahe. It’s an inconvenient truth pero kung may air pollution, water pollution, siya naman visual pollution. Kadalasan wala na ngang naglilike o nagcocomment, parang hindi pa rin nila nagegets na walang natutuwa sa kanya. Parang kailangan pa yata iparinig sa kanya ang “Silvertoes” ng Parokya ni Edgar para matauhan.

6. Mga Taong Post ng Post ng Love Problems pero Pa-demure at Deny ng Deny Kapag Tinanong – Isa pa to. Nakakairita kasi unang una, para sa akin dapat pinapanatiling pribado ang mga ganitong bagay. Pangalawa, nakakainis lalo kapag nag-effort na nga yung mga tao na pansinin sya at kamustahin, tapos magpapakipot pa sa pagsagot o di kaya todo deny. Para kang sumigaw ng “sunog!” tapos nung may kapitbahay na nagvolunteer kahit di naman niya trabaho tumulong, sinabi mo “joke lang”. Gago ka pala e, sana di ka na lang nagpost. I-multiply by 2 ang inis kapag ang nagpost ay less than 18 years old, dahil tangina naman ano bang alam nyo sa pag-ibig? Tuli na ba kayo mga hijo? Para sa akin tatlong bagay lang ang dapat ginagawa ng mga menor de edad online : 1) gumawa ng homework; 2) ituloy ang dinodownload ni kuya sa torrent; at 3) manood ng educational videos sa Xvideos Spankwire Fapdu Youtube.

7. Mga Taong Post ng Post Pero Bobo Naman ang Spelling at Grammar – Sa totoo lang eto ang dahilan kaya napa-post ako, ang lala kasi. May kasabihan mula sa pelikula na the Deadpool na “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and everyone else thinks everyone else’s stinks.” Mahirap na ngang tiisin ang amoy ng opinyon ng mga tao, pero mas lalo pang mahihirapan kung mahirap din tiisin ang pamamaraan ng pagpapahayag nito. Ang hirap na ngang sakyan ng baluktot na katwiran at mga mahinang argumento, tapos lalo pang pahihirapan ang mga mambabasa sa sobrang sablay na spelling at grammar. Ang hirap paniwalaan ng nagdudunong-dunungan, pero sa spelling at grammar pa lang olats na agad. Kumbaga kung sa English pa nga lang wala ka ng credibility, sa argument mo pa kaya? Hindi naman ako nagmamagaling o nagmamayabang, hindi naman ako magaling na manunulat o dalubhasa sa wikang Ingles. Kumbaga nga kay Janet Lim-Napoles, “tama lang sa buhay” yung English ko. Simpleng spelling at grammar check lang naman sa Microsoft Word yan di ba? Konting editing o revision man lang sana bago i-publish ang blog entry. O kung di mo talaga kaya mag-English, e di isulat mo na lang sa Filipino. Malay mo, baka mas may naniwala pa sa iyo at baka mas hindi ka mukhang tanga.

Siguro nasobrahan lang ako ng oras na ginugugol online, siguro sila din. Kahit papaano namimiss ko yung mga panahon na kailangan pa ng dial up at pre-paid cards para makapag-Internet. Noong mga panahong iyon, para bang mas pinapahalagahan ng mga tao ang bawat minuto na online sila kaya wala silang panahon gumawa ng mga kung ano-anong kabalbalan.

Kabalbalan, katulad ng ginagawa ko na hindi paghahanap ng trabaho at pagpopost sa blog na ito.

An Open Letter of Inquiry to Mr. Ryan Cayabyab

Dear Mr. Cayabyab,

Earlier today, my sweet little sister asked me if the Coconut is a fruit or a nut. Being a big fan of yours I answered her query by citing your highly esteemed composition, the 90s hit song “Da Coconut Nut”. Relying on the said source, I went on to tell her that “Da Coconut nut is a giant nut” and that she has to be careful in the consumption of the said nut by warning her “if you eat too much you’ll get very fat”. I further went on to affirm that indeed, “the coconut nut is a big, big nut”. She nodded in agreement and seemed convinced by your sound argument.

However as I continued to cite your composition I came across the lines: “but its delicious nut is not a nut … it’s the Coco fruit of the Coco tree from the Coco Palm family”. Such a logical contradiction baffled the both of us and put an awkward end to the conversation. As I looked into my sister’s bewildered eyes, I felt disappointed for letting her down. Nonetheless my faith in your extensive knowledge of coconuts remained steadfast and I refused to resort to a cop out solution such as consulting Wikipedia. I wanted to know the answer from the Man himself: Mr Ryan, Ryan Musikahan.

That is why dear sir I would like to humbly ask for the record, your official stand on the classification of coconuts: is it a nut? or is it a fruit? I look up to you as the world’s premier expert on coconuts. I shall accept your verdict on the matter regardless of its botanical accuracy, science be damned! You have already given so much to this world: your storied career, your timeless songs, and Geneva Cruz. Once more I appeal to your endless generosity and pray that through your boundless wisdom, you shall provide the answer which I seek.

No, Really, Thanks for Geneva Fuckin’ Cruz,

Trian Lauang